The Colbert Report/Episode/539
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro New York Times' Workman's Comp Story * rest your haunches * New York Times bias ** dijon mustard? * reckless reporting on workers compensation ** lose one 1 ear 60 weeks salary * cash strapped Americans might be encouraged * 12 finger Pete is now 10 finger Pete, Esquire * Dr. Colbert needs his hands to chop off the other things Threat Down 5 Defense Secretary Robert Gates :* proposed defense budget ::* chopping budget 513-B to 534-B :::* F-22 ($150m) has 4 cup holders ::* 13,000 jobs will be lost 4 Centegenarian pushers :* old peole drug pushers ::* old people complain about their joints :::* watch old Eddie Cantor movies (yo gabba, gabba of its day) * mannequin discovered handcuffed to the door of a Bank of America :* no one was hurt; no one works at Bank of America 3 Mannequin Uprising :* crashing our cars :* Dr. Colbert hired a new security guard: Manny 2 Dog seders :* Passover Seder for dogs ::* threat to dog peace :::* Jewish dogs, then Christian dogs, Muslim dogs :* dogs don't understand religion :* all dogs are puppies of Abraham 1 President Obama :* bowed to Saudi King Abdulluh What's The Matter With Hedgehogs? * Dr. Colbert has good news ** he has a severed toe *** 38 weeks of pay * it has to be your own toe * word association ** tricycle - we're all going to die * Americans are getting complacent * Lawrence, Kansas * The Enemy Within * dangers remain * waiting for us in our sleep * Hedgehogs dir public health for the Humane Society of the United States, Micahel Gregor ** Carry diseases for which there is no cure! *** herpes * Lawrence Mayor Mike Devor bans hedgehogs from the city limits ** hedge-fiend "Judd" became obsessed * after listening to Judd ** city council legalized hedgehogs in Lawrence * Hedgehog Armegeddon? ** Hedgehog Pandemic? *** A Containable Outbreak in Kansas? Interview * Bart Ehrman * book: "Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions in the Bible (And Why We Don't Know About Them)" * says the Bible contradicts itself, so Jonah swallowed the whale!? Oh, please! * scholars have known for a long time that ** books written by people who didn't write them * standard doctrines of Christianity ** divitinity of christ ** trinity * Gospel of John ** Jesus * Saint Peter * he knows the early Jews better than the early Jews * the early interpretation of Jesus is the Jews' fault * did not see Jesus as a divine being, but as a human being * if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and raises the dead like a duck ... * Jesus is portrayed as a human in early Christianity ** Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (only divine in John) * God is not a fan of puns ** one of the seven deadly sins * has a problem with conflicting versions of Jesus' crucifixion ** he is nitpicking * in Mark he doesn't know why ** why hath thou forsaken me? * in Luke not in agony, more concerned with the people watching ** father into your hands * Dr. Colbert tells ** 4 different blind men stumble around the jungle and fall into a pit, where an elephant has already fallen *** they all declare the elephant to be different than the others; one thinks it's a wall, another thinks it's a tree, the third thinks it's a snake and the last one thinks it's a spear * Ehrman missed the point that Jesus is an elephant and each of the 4 men can only see part of Him Epilogue * Dr. Colbert returned from the break after cutting off all his body parts--he is now just a head on a silver platter ** Viacom now owes him 2,634 weeks of workman's comp! Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments